LESSON 62

THE QUACK

江湖庸医

John Tobin, 1770-1804, a solicitor, was born at Salisbury, England, and died on shipboard near Cork. He wrote several comedies, the most popular being “The Honeymoon,” from which this extract is taken; it was published in 1805.

SCENE—The Inn. Enter HOSTESS followed by LAMPEDO, a Quack Doctor.

Host. Nay, nay; another fortnight.

Lamp. It can’t be.

The man’s as well as I am: have some mercy!

He hath been here almost three weeks already.

Host. Well, then, a week.

Lamp. We may detain him a week. (Enter BALTHAZAR, the patient, from behind, in his nightgown, with a drawn sword.)

You talk now like a reasonable hostess,

That sometimes has a reckoning with her conscience.

Host. He still believes he has an inward bruise.

Lamp. I would to heaven he had! or that he’d slipped

His shoulder blade, or broke a leg or two,

(Not that I bear his person any malice,)

Or luxed an arm, or even sprained his ankle!

Host. Ay, broken anything except his neck.

Lamp. However, for a week I’ll manage him,

Though he had the constitution of a horse—

A farrier should prescribe for him.

Balth. A farrier! (Aside. )

Lamp. To-morrow, we phlebotomize again;

Next day, my new-invented patent draught;

Then, I have some pills prepared;

On Thursday, we throw in the bark; on Friday—

Balth. (Coming forward.) Well, sir, on Friday—what, on

  1.                      Friday? Come, 
  3.            Proceed.

Lamp. Discovered!

Host. Mercy, noble sir!

Lamp. We crave your mercy! } They fall on their knees.

Balth. On your knees? ’t is well!

Pray! for your time is short.

Host. Nay, do not kill us.

Balth. You have been tried, condemned, and only wait

For execution. Which shall I begin with?

Lamp. The lady, by all means, sir.

Balth. Come, prepare. (To the hostess.)

Host. Have pity by the weakness of my sex!

Balth. Tell me, thou quaking mountain of gross flesh,

Tell me, and in a breath, how many poisons—

If you attempt it—(To LAMPEDO, who is making off)

you have cooked up for me?

Host. None, as I hope for mercy!

Balth. Is not thy wine a poison?

Host. No indeed, sir;

’T is not, I own, of the first quality;

But—

Balth. What?

Host. I always give short measure, sir,

And ease my conscience that way.

Balth. Ease your conscience!

I’ll ease your conscience for you.

Host. Mercy, sir!

Balth. Rise, if thou canst, and hear me.

Host. Your commands, sir?

Balth. If, in five minutes, all things are prepared

For my departure, you may yet survive.

Host. It shall be done in less.

Balth. Away, thou lumpfish. (Exit hostess.)

Lamp. So! now comes my turn! ’t is all over with me!

There’s dagger, rope, and ratsbane in his looks!

Baith. And now, thou sketch and outline of a man!

Thou thing that hast no shadow in the sun!

Thou eel in a consumption, eldest born

Of Death and Famine! thou anatomy

Of a starved pilchard!

Lamp. I do confess my leanness. I am spare,

And, therefore, spare me.

Balth. Why wouldst thou have made me

A thoroughfare, for thy whole shop to pass through?

Lamp. Man, you know, must live.

Balth. Yes: he must die, too.

Lamp. For my patients’ sake!

Balth. I’ll send you to the major part of them—

The window, sir, is open;-come, prepare.

Lamp. Pray consider!

I may hurt some one in the street.

Balth. Why, then,

I’ll rattle thee to pieces in a dicebox,

Or grind thee in a coffee mill to powder,

For thou must sup with Pluto:—so, make ready!

Whilst I, with this good smallsword for a lancet,

Let thy starved spirit out (for blood thou hast none),

And nail thee to the wall, where thou shalt look

Like a dried beetle with a pin stuck through him.

Lamp. Consider my poor wife.

Balth. Thy wife!

Lamp. My wife, sir.

Balth. Hast thou dared think of matrimony, too?

Thou shadow of a man, and base as lean!

Lamp. O spare me for her sake!

I have a wife, and three angelic babes,

Who, by those looks, are well nigh fatherless.

Balth. Well, well! your wife and children shall plead for you.

Come, come; the pills! where are the pills? Produce them.

Lamp. Here is the box.

Balth. Were it Pandora’s, and each single pill

Had ten diseases in it, you should take them.

Lamp. What, all?

Balth. Ay, all; and quickly, too. Come, sir, begin—

(LAMPEDO takes one.) That’s well!—Another.

Lamp. One’s a dose.

Balth. Proceed, sir.

Lamp. What will become of me?

Let me go home, and set my shop to rights,

And, like immortal Caesar, die with decency.

Balth. Away! and thank thy lucky star I have not

Brayed thee in thine own mortar, or exposed thee

For a large specimen of the lizard genus.

Lamp. Would I were one!—for they can feed on air.

Balth. Home, sir! and be more honest.

Lump. If I am not,

I’ll be more wise, at least.

LESSON 62 - 图1

【中文阅读】

幕启——小旅店。女店主在蓝裴多后上场，一位江湖庸医。

女店主 不，不；得两个星期。

蓝裴多 那可不行。这人还有我，发发慈悲吧！他来这儿已经三个星期了。

女店主 哦，还有一个星期。

蓝裴多 我们也许得耽搁他一星期。（患者巴尔萨扎尔从后场上，穿着睡衣，拿着一把刀。）你现在说的话真像一位通情达理的女店主，有时候得凭良心。

女店主 他还以为自己有内伤呢。

蓝裴多 我祈祷上帝但愿他有！不然他就跑了。他肩膀有刀伤，或者折了一条或两条腿，（我说这话可没有什么恶意。）或者胳膊脱臼，甚至脚踝扭伤！

女店主 除了脖子外，伤到哪儿都可以。

蓝裴多 当然，我有一个星期时间可以设法对付他呢。尽管他是一匹体格健壮的马，可是一副马蹄铁总适合他的。

巴尔萨扎尔 马蹄铁！（站到一边）

蓝裴多 明天，我们再抽血；后天，用我新发明的专利；然后，我会给你开一些药片的。星期四，我们附带用树皮；星期五——

巴尔萨扎尔 （到前场）哦，先生，星期五——星期五怎么？请说明白。

蓝裴多 发现的！他们（女店主和蓝裴多）跪下来。

女店主 求求你了，尊贵的先生！

蓝裴多 我们求你发发慈悲！

巴尔萨扎尔 跪下？这很好！还是求上帝保佑吧！因为你们的时间不多了。

女店主 不，别要我们的命。

巴尔萨扎尔 你们一直在尝试，该死的，现在只有等着执行。从谁开始？

蓝裴多 当然是女士了，先生。

巴尔萨扎尔 来吧，做好准备。（转向女店主）

女店主 还是可怜一下柔弱的女性吧！

巴尔萨扎尔 告诉我，你这个能令高山都发抖的女人。告诉我，一共有多少人中毒——如果你打算——（转向蓝裴多，此时他正要匆匆逃掉）怎么编瞎话骗我啊？

女店主 哪敢啊，我希望得到宽恕！

巴尔萨扎尔 你这儿的葡萄酒难道不是毒药吗？

女店主 确实不是，先生。我敢保证不是，是品质最好的葡萄酒；不过——

巴尔萨扎尔 不过什么？

女店主 我一直缺斤短两来着，先生，这样我的良心能好受些。

巴尔萨扎尔 能让你的良心好受些！我会让你的良心好受些的。

女店主 饶了我吧，先生！

巴尔萨扎尔 你站起来，听我说。

女店主 这是你的命令吗，先生？

巴尔萨扎尔 如果在五分钟内都准备好的话，我离开时你会活下来的。

女店主 用不了五分钟。

巴尔萨扎尔 滚吧，你这个蠢婆娘。（女店主下场）

蓝裴多 咦，现在轮到我了啊！随便吧！在他的眼神中有匕首、绳子和老鼠药！

巴尔萨扎尔 现在，你描绘出一个人的轮廓！这是见不得人的事情！你在治疗肺结核时滑得像泥鳅一样，饿死的都是年龄最大的，你解剖的是饿死的沙丁鱼！

蓝裴多 我必须承认我很瘦。我没太胡来，所以说饶了我吧。

巴尔萨扎尔 你为什么指给我的是大道，就因为你整个店铺

蓝裴多 先生，你晓得的，必须活下去

巴尔萨扎尔 是的；他也必须死。

蓝裴多 看在那些患者的份上！

巴尔萨扎尔 我会把你送到他们中间——先生，窗户开着呢——过来，准备好。

蓝裴多 拜托想想吧！我也许会伤害街上什么人的。

巴尔萨扎尔 哎呀，那好。我把你弄碎了放到装骰子的盒里，或者磨成咖啡粉，因为你必须去地狱见冥王——做好准备吧！而我呢，用这把小刀当做柳叶刀，剖开让你饥饿的灵魂，（因为你根本就没有血）把你拖到墙边，在那儿你看上去就像一个干瘪了的用一枚钉子钉住的甲虫。

蓝裴多 请看在我那可怜的妻子的份上，饶了我吧。

巴尔萨扎尔 你的妻子？！

蓝裴多 我的妻子，先生。

巴尔萨扎尔 你也竟敢为自己的婚姻着想？你这个人渣！

蓝裴多 看在她的份上，饶了我吧！我有一个妻子，还有三个天使般的孩子，可是他们就要没有父亲了。

巴尔萨扎尔 够了，够了！你妻子和孩子不过是你的借口而已。过来，过来；吃了这药片！药片呢？现在就做。

蓝裴多 在盒里呢。

巴尔萨扎尔 这可是潘多拉盒啊，每个药片管十种病，你先吃。

蓝裴多 都吃了吗？

巴尔萨扎尔 嗯，都吃了，快点。来吧，先生，开始吧——（蓝裴多吃了一个）太好了！再来一个。

蓝裴多 一次一片。

巴尔萨扎尔 接着吃，先生。

蓝裴多 那我成什么了？让我回家吧，把店关了，就像不朽的恺撒一样，死的体面一些。

巴尔萨扎尔 得了吧！多亏你的幸运星我才没有在你自己家里揍你，或揭穿你用蜥蜴做大标本。

蓝裴多 我只用了一个啊！因为它们可以在空中喂养。

巴尔萨扎尔 回家吧，先生，做个诚实的人。

蓝裴多 要是我做不到的话，至少会更聪明一些。